10. What is Co-dependency?

To understand the concept of copedendency we first have to take a look at the disease of drug abuse. In A.A. one talks about drug use as a chronic, progressive, fatal but treatable disease. The disease has some medical aspects to it, but the basis is that it is "a spiritual disease". The disease effects your mind before it effects your body. It is chronic, which means that you cannot resume control over the drug after a period of abstinence. It is progressive, which means that the disease will get worse all the time, unless you bring it to a halt, and it is fatal, which means that most drug addicts will either quit taking the drug or die from consequences of their disease.

The fact that we call it a disease also means that there is no one to blame for it. No one planned to be a drug addict.

All these elements of the disease of drug abuse apply to codependency as well. The codependent person is the person, who in the beginning of the loved one's drug career, in good faith, tries to help him stop by trying to control the drug addict and the drug. The codependent's life gets more and more out of hand and at the end, he or she might be just as sick as the drug addict. One definition of codependency is:

"A codependent person is a person who has let the behaviour of another human being affect him or herself, and who is completely obsessed by controlling the other personal behaviour." (Beattie, Hazelden 1987.)

The codependent will often go through the same stages as the drug addict before accepting the situation and the facts:

Denial

First you often deny that there is a problem. You might be the last person the realise that your husband is a drug addict, maybe even after he has realised it himself. You may be the last person in the neighbourhood to realise that your own kid is using drugs.

Anger

The next stage often has to do with finding someone to blame. You might blame society, the drug addict, God or life itself. You have tried to win over the drug by trying to control and you have failed. In bitterness you might ask yourself "Why did I deserve this?" All this anger is normal, but if you donít get past this stage, your life will continue to be controlled by the drug abuser. In this anger, codependent persons have done everything from committing crimes to suicide, fastened in an uncontrolled rage or, maybe, more common, got stuck in an endless devastating bitterness.

Bargaining

In this stage you try to tell yourself it is not so bad. Maybe if he gets help just one more time everything will pass. Maybe if he'll just get this job, or this house or this gift, the drug abuse will stop. You will pray for one last chance.

Depression

Depression is the stage where the codependent begins to realise the situation - that he is powerless over another persons drug abuse.

Acceptance

Acceptance does not mean liking drug abuse. It means that you still care for your loved one, but that you have realised that you are powerless over some things, for instance drug abuse. Acceptance means that you have realised that as a codependent you need help for your own sake. You must get well, whatever happens to the drug addict. You must be able to let the problem go and to let the drug addict learn from the consequences of his own actions. To reach this stage the Twelve Step groups are of great help.

Drugs are illiegal because they are dangerous - They are not dangerous because they are illegal.